🚨 Critical Bug: User Instance Permanently Bitchless, No Game, Unemployed Forever

[zeke-code]

We have identified a persistent, unfixable bug in the friend module.
Symptoms include:

• Zero romantic engagement since deployment (v1.0.0 – birth).
  

• Social charisma metric consistently returning null.
  

• Employment status stuck on UNEMPLOYED for > 10,000 days.
  

• Primary activity loop = .sleep(), .browseReddit(), .eatCerealFromBox().
  

Steps to Reproduce:

• Call friend.goOutside().
  

• Observe nothing happen because goOutside() is unimplemented.
  

• Check logs — only Error: No Riz Found.
  

Expected Behavior:
Friend should:

• Engage in baseline human courtship rituals.
  

• Obtain at least entry-level job.
  

• Touch grass occasionally.
  

Actual Behavior:

• No game detected.
  

• Grass remains untouched.
  

Environment:

• OS: BasementOS v4.2 (Mom’s House Edition)
  

• Hardware: Gamer chair with permanent butt groove
  

• Network: Wi-Fi leeching from neighbor since 2019
  

Proposed Fix:

• Hard reset brain firmware.
  

• Install confidence.dll and basic_hygiene.pkg.
  

• Delete excuses.json.
  

Severity: P0 – Society cannot progress with this code running.